I hope I’m not alone when I say the holidays are hard. I haven’t quite figured out why, but I always find myself dreading the day Christmas comes. Winter in general is always hard, always unforgiving and harsh. Yet every year I find myself pleading with November, December, and January to be kind. They never really are.
I get to go home for the holidays this year, I count myself among the lucky and am grateful that I can go home for break. I’m excited to be able to rest and reset with the turn of the year. But I know many people are staying on campus whether because of work or they’re bound to the football field. And some people are going back somewhere they don’t want to. I feel for both. Home is a complex idea and so is family. I know a lot of people are hurting during this time and I guess I wanted whoever is feeling like this to know, you aren’t alone in that feeling.
I went back and forth trying to decide what kind of holiday special I wanted to write that would reflect how I feel and how some or most of campus might be feeling. I thought maybe I would talk about movies and music or cheerful tidings and decorations that seem to be expected this season, but when it came down to it, I didn’t have anything to say about these things. They didn’t feel relevant. Sure, we watch Home Alone and listen to Mariah Carey but that didn’t feel quite right. I don’t mean to focus on the sad parts of the holidays or of life, but most people are sad for the holidays. To shy away from that would be a little unfair.
College hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. Not that I thought it would be easy. It just ended up challenging me in ways I thought maybe I would be alright managing. Things like new friendship bonds and my relationship with myself. I think no matter what year of college you’re in it’s always hard, it just evolves with you. A new kind of hard over the years that you have to learn to conquer. Going home after all that this semester has brought will be a very emotional thing. And I’ll actually miss my little dorm room. Not the shower though… I don’t like the showers here.
I am going home and I will spend five weeks in a bed that is no longer mine and in a room that reflects my sister’s personality now more than mine. Mostly living out of a suitcase. I will play Call of Duty with my dad every day, bake with my grandma, see my dog again, and reunite with friends in the snow hoping our relationship hasn’t changed in the time we’ve been apart. In a strange way I’ve ended up with two homes. One here on campus in my own room that reflects who I am. Surrounded by my posters, pictures, books, and things that make me feel like me. Then a home back in my town that reflects who I am in a different way. The streets I know like the back of my hand and the trees I passed on my way to school every morning, the restaurants my family and friends love. It’s my whole life in one place. My whole life except for this chapter. I will see extended family and hear what they have to say about politics then open gifts. I will spend time reading and exploring parts of my little city I’ve never seen. I will work and I will rest.
To those that will be alone: You aren’t alone in being alone. I hope the break is kind to you. I hope you eat foods that comfort you. I hope you receive gifts of laughter even if it is with your coworkers and not family or close friends. I wish you warmth on the coldest days and light on the longest nights. I hope you are rested and find joy in simple things here. I hope it snows at least a little and you drink a hot drink in your room while snuggled in bed. I hope you can celebrate the holidays in some way. I’ll be thinking about you. You have a spot in my heart this holiday season.
To those that are going home but not “home.”: I see your hurt and I hope you get though it without many incidents. You are seen and you are loved. You are more than their opinion of you. You are beautiful in how you exist. You have at least one person rooting for you, and I want you to know you deserve nothing but unconditional love. I hope you receive gifts of comfort when you need it most. I hope you can spend time with friends that feel more like family. I hope it snows and you can dance in it. I hope your traditions live on this season. I wish you love and I wish you hope. I will be thinking about you. You have a spot in my heart always.
And to the rest of who are excited and grateful for holiday: I am happy for you, I hope you have a wonderful and magical holiday break, and I hope you are rested at the end. I hope you eat many delicious deserts and receive many gifts. I hope you make new memories and can tell all your stories about this new chapter in your life. I hope you family gathers around to hear them all. Laugh with you and maybe even cry with you.
We’ve made it through just another season of life. Yet we step into another. It’s hard not to be pensive in this time so I apologize if this post wasn’t quite what you expected. I just felt that this is what I needed to write.
I hope you all and your families are healthy and strong this season!
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