King
The opening track, King, was written before the pandemic was inspired by a real argument that put Welch’s conflicting desires head-to-head. The Mother and Bride as a desire of stability and then the King as her ego and freedom. This song is my favorite on the album. The music really helps along the story and internal narrative that Welch describes and it’s also so relatable.
These two desires are things I find inside myself. Wanting a life of being the Bride and being the Mother but not inside the heteronormative structure of domesticity that is expected of me by family members. So instead of perusing a life outside of that structure, and thus dealing with the rejection of family, I throw the whole idea away and here is where the King enters for me. By the time I was in middle school I decided I was never going to get married or have kids because I didn’t want the man that came along with that seemingly only correct path of life. I didn’t want the masculine energy presented to me interwoven in my life. I didn’t want to be loved by a man and didn’t want to love a man. So instead, I made myself King. Where I wouldn’t need anyone at all, and I could then exist inside the lines that were expected of me. But that then created this internal battle between desires of mine. Wanting that life of stability as a Mother and Bride just not to a man, and then the reality of that desire causing the murder of any relationship with my immediate and extended families. Always going back and forth trying to have both but not being able to.
The second verse stands out to me as she is describing the switch of those two differing personalities in one body: the Mother and Bride compared to the King.
“But a woman is a changeling, always shifting shape/Just when you think you have it figured out, something new begins to take./What strange claws are these/Scratching at my skin?/I never knew my killer would be coming from within.”
This stunning description paints the two differing people she feels she would have to become to fit into these two desires. The Mother and Bride would cause the murder of the King and vise versa. Neither of which she wants to lose. She attempts to settle into one of these personas but as soon as she thinks she has it figured out and picks what path she will go down, something changes her mind. The realization that the option she didn’t pick, is dying.
It’s also interesting that she describes herself as a changeling, or shapeshifter. Changelings are often mythical beings that are seen as dangerous or malicious. The way she paints it, she is powerful and strong, beautiful, and yet horrifying. It goes along with the themes of the album, juxtaposing the beauty and the decay of things. This comparison showing the contrast of her beauty but also her decay due to her fighting desires. Both of which have the possibility for beauty and yet they are destroying her inside. The claws to her skin and herself as her own killer: constantly fighting herself and losing.
This I relate to as well, the constant internal battle and always losing. It’s exhausting and isolating and most times I find myself wanting to scream. Welch allows herself this scream. The bridge of the song (which I get goosebumps just thinking about) is literally her just letting it all out. It’s this huge burst of sound. The music first compresses in on itself and then explodes as she vocalizes in a way very reminiscent of a scream. To me, it feels like an expression of how the battle for so long is just all internal, so it compresses you into a little ball and then finally with the release it’s so huge and it literally explodes with you at its center. And I don’t know how Welch does it but it’s such a clear picture and feeling.
The music then takes you to her realization at the end. That even after this release of frustration there will be another because the battle still rages on. She describes never feeling satisfied or finding relief but knowing she can dress it up and disguise it and keep on going. It’s accepting to live with the battle.
“I was never as good as I always thought I was/But I knew how to dress it up/I was never satisfied, it never let me go/Just dragged me by my hair and back on with the show.”